Friday, July 1, 2016

Stop Making TransFormers Movies.

Optimus Prime wants you to stop funding crap movies.


As a child of the eighties, the TransFormers have always held a special place in my heart. I still enjoy arguing over who was a better leader, Optimus or Rodimus (the latter. Keep it real, people. Who defeated Unicorn, the Decepticons, and reclaimed Cybertron? Optimus came back and the Autobots were on the run within a week).

But in the name of all that is good, please, stop making these damn movies. Seriously, they have become an embarrassment to the fans, the franchise, and creativity itself.

The first film was awesome and modern. I don't care if Hugo Weaving had no attachment to the role, his Megatron was the best version to hit the screen since the cartoon. The action was so visceral we could overlook the mediocre story.

The second film wasn't quite as awesome, and the story wasn't that good, but we got Combinerbot Optimus Prime and Devestator's scrotum. Everything else can be forgiven.

The third film was a beautiful mess that clumsily attempted to merge fantasy and reality, though the battle of Chicago and the subsequent Decepticon oppression were harrowing. Plus, Leonard Nimoy.

Age of Extinction was so bad it was almost irredeemable. If the combined skills of Kelsey Grammar and Stanley Tucci aren't enough to elevate your narrative, there is something wrong with your production. When Mark Wahlberg pulled out the beer from the vehicle he crashed into in one of the most blatant product placements in cinematic history, I was done. Yes, we got Optimus riding Grimlock into battle. But It wasn't fun anymore, the nostalgia factor had worn off. It was time to let go.

So as we follow the development of "The Last Knight", we have to ask, is there anywhere left for this franchise to go?

We know what's going to happen. The action will be over the top and at this point, predictable. The plot and dialog will be ancillary . There may be so much product placement the film could double as a marathon of commercials?

It will gross far too much money and we'll continue the sequel wheel of doom.

TransFormers has become a train wreck that refuses to come to a stop, and maybe therein lies it's appeal. Me, I am turning away from the eternal funeral pyre and moving on with my life. Maybe I'll give that new machinima series a shot.

Thanks for reading.

1 comments:

Jonah Gibson said...

Agreed. They should also put the Fast and the Furious franchise out of it's misery. Maybe they could do a cataclysmic cross-over finale and throw in the Zombie Apocalypse and maybe some Vampires for good measure. We could all just stay home to insure that the nails stay in the coffins.