Friday, February 15, 2013

The Precipice (My Bout With Depression)

Image Courtesy of National Geographic


It's like standing on dried sand and peering into a deep hole, where the wind was like gravity and there was no end to the madness.
Then, before you know it, the ground gives beneath you. You take a step back to keep your footing but the ground keeps crumbling. The madness comes for you.
You fall. You cling to the edge of the hole and desperately try to find a foothold so that you are not lost to the insanity.


You know, short of open war, there's not a lot I haven't experienced in life, but I've never had my own mind turn against me. That, bar none, is the scariest thing I've ever felt.

I dunno, I guess after the recent events piled upon the most difficult year of my life, my mind just snapped. At least that's what it felt like. I see all these ads about how the things you love cause you pain, and dammit, that's exactly what started to happen to me.

I've been playing video games since I was five years old. I'd saved this universe and a million others by the time I developed an (unrequited) interest in the opposite sex. Games had,and still continue to be, my happy place, refuge, escape, and shelter.

But not this time.
For some reason I couldn't explain, I dreaded turning on my X-Box. It felt wrong to do so. Like I could think of a million other things I should've been doing rather than playing. I won't lie; my writing productivity skyrocketed but suddenly...I just couldn't play anymore. No matter how much I wanted too, I couldn't play.

I forced myself to play.
I forced myself to play until it did not hurt anymore. I played for hours on end until it became fun again, until I was once again able to lose myself in another world.

I'm a positive, upbeat person who believes everything will work out for those who're willing to put forth the effort. I'm not cynical. I have faith in the unknown and the unseen. I believe what in opportunities and hurdles rather than problems and complications. This is who I am. This will not change.

I like to think that I've climbed back up but I'm not naive enough to believe I'm through with this. I hold onto who I am, my faith, put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

I pray for those who deal with this on a full-time basis.

Thanks for reading.

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