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Faith, Grief, and Moving On

Photo courtesy of Morguefile

Niyana was not the first child I lost.
My first daughter, Mia, died shortly after her birth. Immediately following that, I left the area. Her mother and I had never been close (we don't talk to this day) and I didn't allow myself to process the loss. I just moved on.

Dealing with the aftermath of Niyana's death and every gory little detail that surrounds it, plus some I can't talk about...I've felt this in spades. Every single day it's felt like getting shot in the stomach over and over again. I grasp at any little thing that makes me laugh or smile to keep from spiraling into depression. By the way, I'm grateful to the Hub for bringing Animaniacs back...

Life has to go on though, like it or not.
My faith in God gets me through most things. Times like this, it's the ONLY thing that gets me through. I accept God as a reality; there's no doubt in my mind He exists. I've seen too much to deny not only His existence, but the fact that He loves every single one of us, no matter how badly we screw up. When things go bad in my life, I don't blame Him; either I brought it on myself or there's something in that experience I'm meant to learn.

When something good happens, I'm grateful. Especially in those situations that could play out in millions of different ways, but everything happens to line up in my favor? That's when I give a quick thanks.

So how does this apply to my situation?

I believe in God, which means I believe in life after death. I mean it when I say that Niyana is only gone from this plane of existence. She is very much alive, well, and happy in the next. When my life here ends, I'll be reunited with her and everyone else I've lost along the way.

Throughout this, God has made me stronger. I've accomplished more in the past few days than I ever knew I was capable of. I even managed to keep the career going. I've had friends who were good enough to wake up from a dead sleep just to listen to me. Through them I've learned it's okay to lean on people (something I was never comfortable doing). I imagine that when all this has passed, I'll hold onto the memory, and I'll be a much stronger human being.

I don't know why God chose to take Niyana the way He did, but I've learned to trust His judgment. He kept me alive through some truly horrific events, so I imagine He knows what He's doing. I believe in that so I can keep going. He had His reasons; that's enough for me.

And one day, I'll see her again.

Thanks for reading.


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