Skip to main content


Photo Courtesy of Perils of the Endtime--Panting Hart.

My daughter was stillborn last night. She was only twenty-two weeks along. She'd never had a chance.

Her mother and I spent the entire day holding her, speaking to her, singing to her, doing things we never thought we'd ever be doing and, inevitably, saying goodbye.

This is a low unlike anything I've ever known. I feel like I got tossed back into the same pit I was in when I was a kid, and the light was only this tiny little pinprick that seemed miles and miles away.

Part of me is missing. It's somewhere west of my stomach. Something is gone and I don't think it's ever coming back. Its left this void that is slowly turning into a singularity. I leave it unchecked and like anger it'll consume me.

I don't know how I'll move forward from here.
I just know that I have too.

See, I know that, not because I've done it before, because I haven't. Not from this far. I know that because other people have. Other people mourned. And then other people endured.

This is a low point. Life is filled with them. There are highs to be enjoyed but they must be earned. You earn them by enduring the lows. By persevering through the darkness. By battling through the pain and misery and sickness so that you may be stronger on the other side.

I bear in mind, I always try to bear in mind, that no matter how low things get for me, someone else has it worse. No matter how dark it gets, someone would kill to have my problems. Because just as people were there for me in my time of darkness, I may be called upon to be there for someone else in theirs.

So I endure. I cry. I mourn. And then I ask God for strength and He always answers, so I rise.

I look up and see the pinprick of light and I do not focus on its size, only that it exists. And to reach it I will have to ENDURE.

So I will endure this darkness, and every subsequent darkness hereafter, and I will do my best to remember that each day is a gift, a blessing, and not all of them will be good, but not all of them will be bad, either.

I will hold the memory of my daughter in my heart till the end of my days and I will see her again one day. Until then I will endure. I will learn from this. If given the opportunity I will pass on that lesson to someone else. 

I will endure.

We all will endure.

Thank you for reading.


Denise said…
I am so sorry for your loss. Prayers to you and your family.
Tesi said…
Beautiful, heartwrenching, true post. Thank you.
Anonymous said…
I know you dont know me but I know your friend, Tessi, smile. My heart aches for you both. I know it is very difficult, I lost a son two months ago. He was 22 years old and Iknow how u feel when u said that a part of u is missing. I felt the same way when I lost my son. I have learned few things in the process, in the old testament called Ecc(sp?) chapter three verse one. It showed me that GOd is in full control of everything and that includes death. Also, I got three christian books given to me by a wonderful woman at my church. It was written by a christian pschologist(I believe), the first book is for three weeks after a loved ones death, the second book is for after three months. It matches exactly what I am going through, It has Bible verses in there. It has helped me. The ache will never go away but it helps to remember God has a reason for everything and we might never understand that till we go to our eternal home someday. I pray that you both find strength and comfort from God in this.
Anonymous said…
I am so sorry. I know there are no words that can help, that are good enough. Your post was beautiful and moved me. Thinking of you in this difficult time.

Popular posts from this blog

The Long Road Home

I will end you tonight. No, wait. That's not where the story starts. The story starts two and a half years before this, when Michelle (referred to as Michelle for legal reasons because SATAN was too heavily trademarked) reached out to me by Facebook. She mentioned that we played the same Facebook game and she wanted to say hi. I had never, in fact, even heard of the Facebook game. But I was freshly broken out of a relationship and she was pretty with a good body so I said "Hurr, okay." Conversation ensues. She tells me we came up in the same place. We did not come up in the same place. We spent one night in San Francisco talking. But I really wanted to sleep with her. So, "Hurr, okay." Fast forward a few months. I've left Missouri for the beautiful Pacific Northwest. I've settled into the ass end of Lynnwood, a suburb of Seattle. The apartment was so bad that the landlord wrote the mold on the wall off as "crayon coloring

America: A True Story About Hatred and Unity

I wanted fast food tonight. That was all. I found myself at Burger King to pick up my wife's order. I was a few cars deep when I spotted the Confederate flag. I surreptitiously snapped a few photos. This was going to be a very different story. When I pull out of Burger King, it turns out there's more than one. In fact, there are four trucks, each flying variations of the flag. I have to go around the front of them to avoid an accident. They're parked right in the middle of the road. As I drive around them, each person in the vehicle makes it a point to ensure I see them. I do. They see me too. When I get to McDonald's (which is in the same lot), I learn that they're not taking debit cards at the moment. Terrific. I wanted chicken nuggets and instead, I get a run-in with the new Confederacy. So I make my way back to Burger King, again appearing in full view of the trucks. I place my order, get it, pay, and pull out. Then one of the

Wave Rocketbook Reviewed

I love writing by hand, and I love notebooks. I'll often devote entire budgets to them and when Officemax has one of their twenty-five cent sales, I'll buy them out. I often draft by hand, finding that the scene comes together more purely when it flows from a pen rather than a keyboard. So when DailyDot advertised a durable new type of notebook that you could use over and over again for the cheap price of twenty-five (thirty after shipping) US Dollars? I'm down. The Wave Rocketbook is meant to be elegant in its design and simple in its execution. The instructions come on the bag itself, and only the pen and notebook are included. The pen feels like any other, so you have to be careful not to mix it into your collection or you will end up marking your notebook with the wrong pen (like I did). The ink is erasable, which is a bonus. A place to put the pen would've been nice, but it clips easily, if not securely, into the ringed binding. The paper is thick and