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Just Random Stuff

Floppy disks for coasters. I did it because I didn't want to waste money. And it turns out that Diet Code Red is almost as good as the real thing. I have to remind myself that I'm on a budget, and I can't run through them too quickly. It'll be a minute before I can go shopping again.

I slept under a bridge once in NYC and I wasn't as scared as I am right now...but I'm starting to get past it. I don't hate anything more than being afraid, and I don't have time for it.
I would be in extreme dire straits and only then, at the height (depth?) of desperation, I'd ask my parents for help. It was a coin toss and always came with a lecture as to how I wasn't living right, or as they approved. Small price to pay if it meant surviving a bit longer.

I'm not really in dire straits now, I'm just freaked out that I'm not good enough to really cut it as a writer. I try to draw on the same confidence that made me a good fighter (funny how they rhyme) when it comes to writing, and it just isn't there. I have more to lose here. What would it mean if I wasn't good enough? It means I would settle on some mundane career for thirty or forty years just to survive and to me, that is worse than dying.

I do not settle. Call it pride, call it ego, call it whatever you want, but I do not settle.
Truthfully, I think I'll make it as a writer. It might take time, but I'm willing to put that in, even if it's all of my time or what I can squeeze in after work. I'm a very patient person.

A fear I have been forced to confront lately, and I owe some thanks to Billy behind this one, is that I am not good enough to be a husband. I don't know if this is true or not. I can only be myself, and hope that's enough for someone. I know in my heart I'm a good person. I'm not lazy and I'll take a bullet for the people I love.

Whoever I enter a serious relationship with will have to accept that my life is on the mend; my credit is under repair, I don't have a lot to my name, I'm not educated, and not only do I not have a driver's license, it'll be a minute before I can get once, since I have so much to answer too in Michigan. I also have two kids that come before anything else.

I don't need any financial help from anyone I get involved with--something Sam never got. No matter what I'm doing, I can pay my own bills and even save money without breaking law or jaw. I just would like someone to be there.

I think all this stems from the fact that I can look directly ahead of me and see everything I've ever wanted and talked about--and I'm terrified to reach out and grab it.

I guess it's my move.

Comments

tammey said…
Hon;
I know that you can do whatever you set your mind to. You have set your mind to this. Now all you have to do is, believe in yourself and go get it. I also believe, that the Lord wouldn't put ya on this path, if he didn't have a plan for ya on this path. Yeah, you might have to work a job that is there, nothing to brag bout, and work on your writing on the side, til you get it kicked off the ground. But once you do get your writin career off the ground, there will be no stoppin ya. I really have faith in you, and in your work. I believe in you as well.
Bobby Revell said…
Hi Avery,

My goal is to make it as a writer also, but I have no illusions about the business. I also realize that I will do it in my spare time and work towards that goal. I've cut out many things in my life I once did to waste time and do a lot of reading instead. In today's world, just because a writer is published, or even famous doesn't mean they are great writers. I mean, look at how every movie star and sports hero has a book - probably written by a coauthor.

I wish you luck. Keep writing and never stop. I suppose writing is much like martial arts, there is no end to how much you can learn.

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