Floppy disks for coasters. I did it because I didn't want to waste money. And it turns out that Diet Code Red is almost as good as the real thing. I have to remind myself that I'm on a budget, and I can't run through them too quickly. It'll be a minute before I can go shopping again.
I slept under a bridge once in NYC and I wasn't as scared as I am right now...but I'm starting to get past it. I don't hate anything more than being afraid, and I don't have time for it.
I would be in extreme dire straits and only then, at the height (depth?) of desperation, I'd ask my parents for help. It was a coin toss and always came with a lecture as to how I wasn't living right, or as they approved. Small price to pay if it meant surviving a bit longer.
I'm not really in dire straits now, I'm just freaked out that I'm not good enough to really cut it as a writer. I try to draw on the same confidence that made me a good fighter (funny how they rhyme) when it comes to writing, and it just isn't there. I have more to lose here. What would it mean if I wasn't good enough? It means I would settle on some mundane career for thirty or forty years just to survive and to me, that is worse than dying.
I do not settle. Call it pride, call it ego, call it whatever you want, but I do not settle.
Truthfully, I think I'll make it as a writer. It might take time, but I'm willing to put that in, even if it's all of my time or what I can squeeze in after work. I'm a very patient person.
A fear I have been forced to confront lately, and I owe some thanks to Billy behind this one, is that I am not good enough to be a husband. I don't know if this is true or not. I can only be myself, and hope that's enough for someone. I know in my heart I'm a good person. I'm not lazy and I'll take a bullet for the people I love.
Whoever I enter a serious relationship with will have to accept that my life is on the mend; my credit is under repair, I don't have a lot to my name, I'm not educated, and not only do I not have a driver's license, it'll be a minute before I can get once, since I have so much to answer too in Michigan. I also have two kids that come before anything else.
I don't need any financial help from anyone I get involved with--something Sam never got. No matter what I'm doing, I can pay my own bills and even save money without breaking law or jaw. I just would like someone to be there.
I think all this stems from the fact that I can look directly ahead of me and see everything I've ever wanted and talked about--and I'm terrified to reach out and grab it.
I guess it's my move.