Friday, December 19, 2008

Wrestling Inner Demons

I should preface this by saying I don't know squat about the opposite sex. My gift is reading people.

I recently started another battle with the face in the mirror, grappling with a massive inferiority complex that has caused me to harm a lot of people in its wake. I don't like hurting people (usually), and I despise being afraid. So this journey to overcome the fear of not being good enough is the next step in the journey of self-reconciliation.

I can look at you and tell you that I know I'm a good fighter. I know this because I've had years of getting my ass whooped to get tough, because I've devoted entire days to getting stronger, faster, more fluent in my technique; I know this because what I fear most is someone standing over me, with that damn look as though they are better than me. No one is better than me. Either way, getting good took years of practice.

I suck when it comes to girls. Believe it. I have friends who can attest to it. I suck because I am trying to overcome the mentality that I don't deserve to be with anyone. Hell, I didn't even start seriously dating until about seven years ago. Before that, I was in a tumultous relationship with the mother of my children, then one woman who may or may not have cheated on me...and then one really serious relationship past that in which I professionally screwed up.

What I do is when I become interested and they (God forbid) become interested in me, I take the most insignificant, minuscule little faults in that person and turn them into atomic disasters, and then use that as an excuse to push them away. Oh, and I'm great at pushing girls--people in general, but especially girls--away. I have a list of people who'll readily testify to that.

There is one thing worse than being rejected by ninety percent of the people in your life, and it's not learning that you don't need anyone to get by. It's when you learn in spite of all that, you don't want to be alone.

There's really not a lot to me, and I think that's my biggest hang-up. I make a single-digit hourly salary, I have more debt than punches thrown in my entire life, and I have two children. That's before you get to know me. Some of the guys who have pursued women I've been interested in have worked as freaking Directors of Operations for freaking hotel chains. Great, I think, maybe he can give me a job.

What I always have a hard time seeing is that the girl chose me. I never pay attention to that; I always ask why.

This isn't always the case; sometimes, I was just with the wrong girl. No names.

Now, here's the thing.

There's a pretty good chance my relationship status will change after this weekend--once again.

I've done things differently; I've confronted things that worried me head on, I've been straight with her about the issues in my life, and I haven't done that push-away thing I could add to my resume. She's still here. I won't use names, I won't blog anything her and me might go through because it's between her and me.

I may not be the be the brightest penny in the fountain, but I learn from my mistakes. She says I'm what she wants. I'm not going to question it. I'm just going to go with it. Hopefully I'll win this battle too.

4 comments:

JNez said...

well i hope things work out man. good luck and continue to heal.

Avery K. Tingle said...

Thanks, man. It's appreciated.

tammey said...

Hey Hon;
I really wish you luck w/ the special lady, not sayin no names. I know that since you are bein so honest w/ her, and your really tryin, which I can tell. I wish you continued happiness and continued healing.

Pharaoh said...

Hello,
I just stumbled across your page. And without knowing you, I know you are good enough...for this woman and anyone else in your life. I know this sounds strange and I'm not quite sure why yet, but my gut feeling says to befriend you and help you however I can.
Look forward to hearing back from you.